A lot has changed in my life recently, but I am not even able to put it into words amd cut it short. So I'll just post the lyrics line from newly released album of DT:)

"Until one day you stopped caring;
And began to forget why You tried to be so close..."

Never EVER in my life have I felt so lonely, so unneeded!!! Maybe I sound like a freaking drama queen. But I can't help it. That's the way I feel now. As if nobody could understand me, comfort me. Everybody seems so distant and too busy to keep me company. In fact, at this state of mind, I prefer to be alone. Let it be...Total indifference (I'm good at it)!

My heartbeat grows, willingness for having my own child becomes stronger on seeing such picture of a little one.

10.04.2010

'The hope is the most cruel of all the lovers and can crush your heart like a polysterene cup.'

nightmares

'Silent screamer filled with fear
As the night time shapes a face
Then disappears
Scared forever into believing
That your mind has met the
Prince of whom you see.'

Once a day, your mind becomes totally helpless and the subconsciousness takes over the reason. The worst of your fears emerge from the hiding place and don't let you forget about the darkest of thoughts- that's the power of the night.

...

'Still I fear and still I dare not laugh at the madman' cause even a madman has his own right to decide and the mind to think

donum gratum

Who doesn't like it? Everyone wants to be taken aback. Surprises make our life nicely fuzzy and vivid. They keep us in motion and let the bonds tighten. So let's not allow our common sense take over the control. With the fading of spontaneity, the inner child within us dies.

a new academic year

A new period in my process of education has just started. My new group at IJA seems to be nice and I feel accepted there (don't need to pretend). A wave of positive, exciting knowledge and an inch of adrenalin have a healing influence on my mood. The troubling thing for now is my seminar at PiPs. I have to tackle the problem of my research work, gather people who would be kind and able to trust me to be a subject of my study. When it comes to the issue of my heart, it's doing very well. A. works in the sector of Transport and I think he enjoys it very much. Unfortunately the lack of time doesn't allow us to see each other as often as we would like to. But we always find way to meet anyway.
The events worth mentioning are:
the lecture with a noble Professor whose English accent I adore profoundly.
the matters connected with the beginning of the semester such as IOS makes my days busy and tiring
Latin is great but just as curiosity
My A. has a great attitude towards my grandma. It seemed as if he took pleasure of teasing her:)
Somehow my written lg comes hard to me, so it wouyld be better if I finished here and made a dot.

Seems like I haven't logged in for years. But to be honest nothing peculiar happened. I'm up to work all the time, day by day. Working as a waitress has its prons and cons. The real pain in the neck is my boss- the old woman with moustache heh heh and bad breath. Another maniac is our chef- obscene and cheeky guy with bipolar mood. Fortunately my co-workers (great girls)are fabulous and our common enemy unites us and triggers mischievious jokes. My summertime is going to an end. And I feel as if I didn't take a rest during my holidays. I know I wanted to get some job and earn some money, but probably I'll have to take some days off from school in October unless My A. will hit on any idea. By the way, I'm really proud of Him. He got an incredible job, just for him, and passed the entrance exam to University. At least one thing that gives him assurance that everything will be just fine. In two weeks the lectures and commitments will come back. Again some changes ahead of me- a new faculty, new friends, new roommates (I'm looking for them now) and Thesis to write. Ehh, will see what days will come and what they'll bring.

Life sometimes plays trick on us. One day we think we are on the right track but then the twist of circumstances tells us that we were wrong. I changed my previous work. Couldn't stand that abnormal atmosphere. Now I work at the restaurant/pub. On Saturday I'm going to get the schedule and be officialy employed. Late hours enable me to spend some time with My A. and learn to share the same space with another person. Wonder what the following days will be like.

Thank You for Your Presence

6 months- it's not so long one may say, but no one can even suspect how much I got to know You throughout this time and how much feeling I have to You. You're so dear to me. Thank You for these months You gave me. Thank You for Your arm when I cried, for good word when I needed it, for Your hilarious sence of humour. Thank You for Your eagerness to go beyond yourself, for the tenderness, for appreciation. But thank Yoy also for these hard moments, since they taught me a lot about You and myself. In particular I want to thank You Darling for Your Love and I ask for more:*

I wanna cry and burst in tears. I hate my first days at work and I hate insecurity and uncertainty. I have been an emotional (am not exagurating) bomb ready to explode at any time. Could I officialy turn myself off for a couple of months or so? My emotional state is at the end of its tether. Around 6.00 PM my blood pressure peaks and indicates 200/300. Moreover, last few days were quite tough for My Little, Precious One and simultaneously for myself. That spun a net of circumstances that enabled us to get to know each other in extreme situations. Life consists of both bad and good days. And it's good to know both sides of the preverbial coin.
Recently things have not settled as I wanted to. But heard that the Hope dies last. So I trust in Divine Power and so called 'Luck'-whatever it is. Get your fingers crossed! The following days, weeks and months are going to be the hardest ones. Am so f*** scared.

first day at work

Today I was at work for the first time. Supposedly, being a cashier, shop assistant or so, is not a big deal. And it is not. But the most difficult thing for me was to stand still for hours. My spine suffered a lot. Moreover, I ate nothing from yesterday's evening up till 6 PM today. Am so proud of my stomach. And as always I put a huge emotional barrier around me lest harsh remarks of the managers bombard me. After work I dreamt nothing but about a comforting face and voice of My Beloved One. But the reality predominated the trancendental needs. Had to pull myself together and enjoy the evening alone. Sometimes expectations and hope just spoil the fun yet provide you with this thrilling anticipation;) So now I'm lying down on my bed watching crappy 'Polshit'- as Somebody would put it nicely- and probably the night will come very soon. Nite nite

isn't he charming :)

The Final Resolution

Tomorrow morning is called 'the final resolution'. My self- esteem will be boosted immensely and my self will be complete again. The next few days will be such blissful moments shared with My Beloved One. We don't have to care about learning anymore or any other commitments. Just Us and Summer time. When I think about it I get the goose pimples:)

Paying tribute

His death brought my memories back to my childhood. How I adored him and his music... Thank You for this episode in my life.