'The hope is the most cruel of all the lovers and can crush your heart like a polysterene cup.'

nightmares

'Silent screamer filled with fear
As the night time shapes a face
Then disappears
Scared forever into believing
That your mind has met the
Prince of whom you see.'

Once a day, your mind becomes totally helpless and the subconsciousness takes over the reason. The worst of your fears emerge from the hiding place and don't let you forget about the darkest of thoughts- that's the power of the night.

...

'Still I fear and still I dare not laugh at the madman' cause even a madman has his own right to decide and the mind to think

donum gratum

Who doesn't like it? Everyone wants to be taken aback. Surprises make our life nicely fuzzy and vivid. They keep us in motion and let the bonds tighten. So let's not allow our common sense take over the control. With the fading of spontaneity, the inner child within us dies.

a new academic year

A new period in my process of education has just started. My new group at IJA seems to be nice and I feel accepted there (don't need to pretend). A wave of positive, exciting knowledge and an inch of adrenalin have a healing influence on my mood. The troubling thing for now is my seminar at PiPs. I have to tackle the problem of my research work, gather people who would be kind and able to trust me to be a subject of my study. When it comes to the issue of my heart, it's doing very well. A. works in the sector of Transport and I think he enjoys it very much. Unfortunately the lack of time doesn't allow us to see each other as often as we would like to. But we always find way to meet anyway.
The events worth mentioning are:
the lecture with a noble Professor whose English accent I adore profoundly.
the matters connected with the beginning of the semester such as IOS makes my days busy and tiring
Latin is great but just as curiosity
My A. has a great attitude towards my grandma. It seemed as if he took pleasure of teasing her:)
Somehow my written lg comes hard to me, so it wouyld be better if I finished here and made a dot.

Seems like I haven't logged in for years. But to be honest nothing peculiar happened. I'm up to work all the time, day by day. Working as a waitress has its prons and cons. The real pain in the neck is my boss- the old woman with moustache heh heh and bad breath. Another maniac is our chef- obscene and cheeky guy with bipolar mood. Fortunately my co-workers (great girls)are fabulous and our common enemy unites us and triggers mischievious jokes. My summertime is going to an end. And I feel as if I didn't take a rest during my holidays. I know I wanted to get some job and earn some money, but probably I'll have to take some days off from school in October unless My A. will hit on any idea. By the way, I'm really proud of Him. He got an incredible job, just for him, and passed the entrance exam to University. At least one thing that gives him assurance that everything will be just fine. In two weeks the lectures and commitments will come back. Again some changes ahead of me- a new faculty, new friends, new roommates (I'm looking for them now) and Thesis to write. Ehh, will see what days will come and what they'll bring.

Life sometimes plays trick on us. One day we think we are on the right track but then the twist of circumstances tells us that we were wrong. I changed my previous work. Couldn't stand that abnormal atmosphere. Now I work at the restaurant/pub. On Saturday I'm going to get the schedule and be officialy employed. Late hours enable me to spend some time with My A. and learn to share the same space with another person. Wonder what the following days will be like.

Thank You for Your Presence

6 months- it's not so long one may say, but no one can even suspect how much I got to know You throughout this time and how much feeling I have to You. You're so dear to me. Thank You for these months You gave me. Thank You for Your arm when I cried, for good word when I needed it, for Your hilarious sence of humour. Thank You for Your eagerness to go beyond yourself, for the tenderness, for appreciation. But thank Yoy also for these hard moments, since they taught me a lot about You and myself. In particular I want to thank You Darling for Your Love and I ask for more:*

I wanna cry and burst in tears. I hate my first days at work and I hate insecurity and uncertainty. I have been an emotional (am not exagurating) bomb ready to explode at any time. Could I officialy turn myself off for a couple of months or so? My emotional state is at the end of its tether. Around 6.00 PM my blood pressure peaks and indicates 200/300. Moreover, last few days were quite tough for My Little, Precious One and simultaneously for myself. That spun a net of circumstances that enabled us to get to know each other in extreme situations. Life consists of both bad and good days. And it's good to know both sides of the preverbial coin.
Recently things have not settled as I wanted to. But heard that the Hope dies last. So I trust in Divine Power and so called 'Luck'-whatever it is. Get your fingers crossed! The following days, weeks and months are going to be the hardest ones. Am so f*** scared.

first day at work

Today I was at work for the first time. Supposedly, being a cashier, shop assistant or so, is not a big deal. And it is not. But the most difficult thing for me was to stand still for hours. My spine suffered a lot. Moreover, I ate nothing from yesterday's evening up till 6 PM today. Am so proud of my stomach. And as always I put a huge emotional barrier around me lest harsh remarks of the managers bombard me. After work I dreamt nothing but about a comforting face and voice of My Beloved One. But the reality predominated the trancendental needs. Had to pull myself together and enjoy the evening alone. Sometimes expectations and hope just spoil the fun yet provide you with this thrilling anticipation;) So now I'm lying down on my bed watching crappy 'Polshit'- as Somebody would put it nicely- and probably the night will come very soon. Nite nite

isn't he charming :)

The Final Resolution

Tomorrow morning is called 'the final resolution'. My self- esteem will be boosted immensely and my self will be complete again. The next few days will be such blissful moments shared with My Beloved One. We don't have to care about learning anymore or any other commitments. Just Us and Summer time. When I think about it I get the goose pimples:)

Paying tribute

His death brought my memories back to my childhood. How I adored him and his music... Thank You for this episode in my life.

Finally, the licentiate exam is over! Uff, quite a heavy load off my chest. And the whole procedure wasn't that bad as everyone expected it to be. The comission was eager to help and give the hints. What is more, we have as much time as we needed to get prepared. Now I'm enjoying my free time. Guess I forgot how to do it, constantly thinking of other things that should be done. I can't be bored, really.

Your sensitivity moves me deeply,
Your concern gives me comfort,
Your lovely gaze disarms me,
Your empathy assures me that
there is someone in this world
who really cares and understands me,
Timbre of your voice moves the innermost strings of my soul.
Thank You for lighting up my life.

Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out

expectations

Once you want to fulfil everyone’s expectations, you end up with remarks from each of them. That’s so unfair. No matter how much I would deny that I don’t care what other people think, I know that’s not true. And if other people tell me so, I don’t believe them. We are ingrained in the culture. And of course we don’t care about other people’s opinion, but only if their view doesn’t mean anything to us. Rarely is it so. Everyone wants to create his dreamed- of image and be perceived in this very way. I just need to feel good with myself and my surrounding is indispensable for that. But at the same time, I’m aware of the fact that sometimes I need to choose the better option not the only right one- to keep balance in my mind.

An exam rush and a nice chillout afterwards

Finally, the struggle with College exams has finished. And I must say the results are satisfactory. I thought I was used to this constant rush and thrill that exams put on me. But the last days showed that my nervous system is also breakable. My friends were extremely stressed before the dissertation and this anxiety made me feel uncomfortable as well. It wasn’t the feeling that I used to experience sometimes, the feeling when your stomach is about to explode and your thoughts are spinning in a head like crazy. Unlike, this one was appropriate to the situation I ended up in. When I came home (actually My Dear’s home), I just wanted to crawl under the duvet and confined myself to my little world not to let anyone to trespass my area. But I simply couldn’t. Another exam was ahead of me and that made me depressed. Fortunately, My A. didn’t let me drown into the dark thoughts and I managed to deal with forthcoming night studying.
After the drudgery the time came for partying. I spent amazingly (though I was extremely tired) good time in Rybnik at my friend. Almost the whole group came up to celebrate the end of the exam session. Thank You Pala! I enjoyed it very much!
Now, nothing matters when it comes to studying. I’m taking a couple days off. A trip to Ogrodzieniec with the family was a nice idea to change the scene for a while. But from Monday, hard work is to begin- for licentiate exam- brr...sends the shivers down my spine.

the exams- to be continued

I have a bloody luck. The exams are going unexpectedly well regardless the amount of time I spent on learning. Probably my Guardian Angel is busy all the time dealing with my recklessness. I wish I was more consistent in my decisions and more responsible though...

I have to get to work for the upcoming dissertation and a test on judicial psychology.

bliss and happiness mingled with apprehension and fear

The past several days were filled with abundance of emotions. Once I felt like in heaven, lost and safe in caring arms of my Beloved One, another time completely confused, scared and anxious about the future. I think my warped personality can't accept the situation when I lose a grip. I want to have everything under control and anything that goes beyond the limits is rejected and makes me feel insecure. In a nicely arranged world any changes in plan must be faced with expetations and inner voice. I know, that's odd.

Moreover, the amount of work at College is overwhelming, but at the same time I handle it quite well. Somehow, in spite of the lack of time I am able to balance all chores.

I've noticed an amazing behaviour recently. There are people in the world who could be supporting and caring only if they are successful. But there are also people, in minority unfortunately, who can distance themselves from their 'failures' and even have appreciation for those who succeed. I have this honour and unbelievable luck to be close to such incredible people:) World becomes better because of them.

an exam disaster

I'm really pissed off. PNJA was bloody difficult, especially listening comprehension. And the longer I analyze it, the more mistakes I can recall. The last part of LC was hardly comprehensible for me and the answers that I was sure for 100% turned out to be wrong:/ Screw it! Let's precede with the next part- tomorrow writing. I love narratives, but my imagination and creativity depend on the given topic. It's comforting I have a support of My A. He paints my each day with different colours that I absolutely adore:)

P.S. The words despised by me from now on: indefensible, inimitable and prophesize
the new words I got to know: cobber, copper:)

I would love You anyway...

'I would love You even if You did nothing
I would love You even if You got the thumbs down
I would love You even if You got and stayed sick
I would love You even if You gained ten pounds

I would love You even if You went bankrupt
I would love You even if You lost your hair and your youth
I would love You even if You were no longer king
I would love You even if You were not all knowing

You would be loved by me even when You numb yourself
You would be loved by me even when You are overwhelmed
You would be loved by me even when You were fuming
You would be loved by me even when You were clingy

I would love You even if You lost sanity
I would love You anyway...'

In my Heaven

I cannot understand why people don't believe in Heaven. I can't reject God nor Heaven if every time I wake up beside my Love I feel completely transcendental and so mystical- in the right place, at the right time. These are not wordly feelings. I adore taking in the smell of his body and resting my head upon his male chest. His respect and love are detectable through my skin. In that very moment The Heaven descends on Earth for a little while.

purification

Today I discovered (or maybe rediscovered) how much our past influences our future life. Nothing new isn't it? However, going back in my memories I can see that I shouldn't have experienced some of the events. They affected me immensely. They shaped my mind which is a kind of pain in the ass sometimes. The worst thing is that it is not only MY burden, but also people's who I live with. However, the more I think about my existency, the more I know about myself and I'm aware of evil and good concealed in me.

another shade of ego

I would never assume that I can be so possessive. I would like to be the one and only. It seems reasonable but at the same time quite disturbing. I think such strong feelings as love make us egoistic and confined to the person we love. Strange but true. The most important thing is to feel that you ARE a very important person in another's life- and that makes sense.

in stupor

Yesterday's morning and afternoon was just horrid. After all the worst experience ever is a complete silence. Thoughts were spinning around causing doubts and creating unbelievable string of events. And a suspence hanging in the air was simply unbearable. A lunch I gulped down, stuck in my gullet. I was feeling unneeded, stunned, resigned and hardly eager to change the situation. I was trying to observe following steps and to see when we would end up. It is so difficult to be apart however, despite the troubles. Fortunately everything panned up positively. I've scattered Tychy, did some shopping and collected my thoughts sitting at the lake. The view of sun going down was incredible. And this coincidence gave me a glimmer of hope. I wanted that evening to be good till the end. And so it was:) This is amazing that My A. has no idea how his words influence me and how just one accidental sentence can give me comfort or at least hope (which is a lot). And everything is going on its own natural unpredictible route now...Good

the dark side of the Moon

Do you know this feeling when you do your best to understand someone's intention and words but they are just beyond your comprehension? You can't even be angry with the ideas which are just DIFFERENT, but not YOURS. Helplessness, numbness, a real scare and a sense of being somehow out of place, stupid or naive. Hate it! The truth is that you can't contratict yourself, adjust feelings to the circumstances. The first impression just pops out automatically and you can't reject it. I know I am very strict person and complex, tiresome personality.But at the same time someone once told me that tolerance is my virtue. Probably not in close male- female relationships. We all have our shades, masks and they make us unique. It's not like that I have models in my mind and want people to fit perfectly to the patterns. I just need safety and assurance that I pace a right path with a right person beside me. Do I demand a lot?
The decisions seem to be made by means of impressions, feelings and intuitions rather than reason itself. And LOVE always wins (regardless what miserable people say). Mind just supports our Heart not letting us to commit emotional suicide.


No matter how much You adore Night, there's always dark side of the Moon...

emergency

Today my stomach was hurt badly. I was afraid of ulcers or these kind of scary ailments. Fortunately, nothing serious, just usual stomach inflammation. Got meds and should be as right as rain soon:) Caring and symphatetic face of my Dear A. was so touching...

it feels like a sweet home

Calmness, the sense of being secure and loved by Wonderful Person - this is a priceless feeling. I want to experience that over and over again...

'I am a perfect mirror,
Reflecting back
Only those images
And impressions
Which are acceptable
To the one seeking truth.

Everybody's friend, I have listened
And soothed, and said
The right things, until
There is no more honest me left
To contradict, or create controversy,
In my beige, vanilla life.

Inspiration, fleeting, runs from me,
While I waste my time pontificating,
With little thought,
As I slowly lose sight
Of my hidden feelings
And genuine beliefs.

My thoughts struggle for release
From the prison in my head,
Built to contain them as
I mindlessly,
endlessly,
Pushed them away.

Inside me, a battle rages,
Between my reality and my potential;
Pointed words like spears,
Hurled by myself at myself,
Draw spiritual blood
In this war for my integrity.'

...

I have been always surprised how much woman is hormons driven creature. One day can't refrain from expressing strong emotions and desires another day I'm subdued and withdrawn. Now the only thing I need is a huge hug and a permission to stay this way for longer. Sometimes biology just rules the world.

at this point in my life

Never before in my life did I feel so fulfilled. I do what I really dream about. A great family, My Beloved One and friends around - Sounds a bit like idyllic life, doesn't it? Sometimes it really is this way, sometimes not. Ups and downs, but I have no right to complain.

the beginning

Finally I braced myself to start sth new and quite scary for me. I decided to form my blog inspite of being completely against it before. Sharing thoughts is not my strong point and generally I'm very suspicious about any kind of 'revealing myself'. But I reckon that if you don't try, you never know how it is gonna work (that's also a new thought that is in the back of my head recently). So here it starts:) I'm so curious how it will work...